So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
