mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
