see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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