I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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