$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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