I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
