My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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