threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
