I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
