Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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