Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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