im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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