Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
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hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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