I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
