so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
