I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
