i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
