i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
