I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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