Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
