Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
