Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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