She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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