why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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