I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
