What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
