I swear she didn't look like that last week.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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