i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
