Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
