i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
