Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm always down for nudity.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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