He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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