My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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