they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
