Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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