it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Found the puke drawer
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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