he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize