I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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