I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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