Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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