i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
love makes seman taste better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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