I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
