M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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