he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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