wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
