i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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