My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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