just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
