Your face is a jimmy john
Fuck appropriateness.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
