Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
