I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am one with the molecules
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
