Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
