watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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