I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
