seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
