Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I smell like Dick and happiness
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