Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
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Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
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because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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