I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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